Emotional availability is about the ability to share an emotional connection. We can become emotionally unavailable in the short-term when we have had painful relationship experiences, but this can be more deep-seated when our caregivers were not as responsive or attuned to us as we needed during childhood. However, this can change. This article focuses on some practical ways to become more emotionally available, rather than on addressing childhood attachment issues.

A good starting question might be: Do others experience us as warm or cold?

The figure below illustrates some element of a conversation in which both people are emotionally available. The seven elements used are responsiveness, empathy, intimacy, openness, sensitivity, articulation, and vulnerability.

Note: The figure below was created by Rachel’s work with clients to capture what characterized successful connections made on dates and in role plays for interpersonal skills. It is not empirically validated. (A model that is supported by published papers, can be found here.)

© Rachel New 2017 Some Elements of Emotional Availability

If you would like to make warmer, more productive connections with people, you might like to take some time to answer these questions to see how emotionally available you are:

Responsiveness:

1. What do you say when your date tells you they have recently suffered a bereavement or isn’t feeling well?
2. Do you follow it up later in the conversation and the next day?
3. Are you able to find out or get a sense of how much they want to talk about their difficulty before moving onto a different topic of conversation?
4. Do you come across as warm in your facial expressions?

Empathy:

5. How do you convey that you appreciate how difficult it has been for your date to go through their divorce, or how it feels to have had a stressful day at work?
6. Are you able to use an appropriate tone of voice and non-verbal sounds and touch to convey your support and desire to understand?
7. Are you able to offer sympathy without providing solutions?

Intimacy:

8. How do you feel when your date says she can’t wait to see you again, or that she has feelings for you?
9. How do your feelings change after having good sex – do you want to go straight home and be alone, or do you feel a bit insecure, or emotionally close to your date, or …?
10. How do you feel when your date shows emotions or vulnerabilities, or discloses something personal?

Openness:

11. Are you able to talk about how you feel?
12. Do you feel comfortable with your feelings, both positive and negative?
13. Are you confident enough to say you’re missing your date, or that you’d rather he didn’t phone you every day?

Sensitivity:

14. Can you tell from facial expressions when your date is uncomfortable or wants you to change the subject?
15. Do you know when your date is close to tears, getting irritated, feeling offended, bored?
16. Do you know when to go home and give your date some space?

Emotional articulation:

17. Do you have the vocabulary to express a range of feelings and thoughts about your date, so that you don’t have to repeat yourself too much?
18. Are you able to say exactly what you like about him/her and give specific compliments?
19. Can you articulate feelings of physical attraction, respect and admiration, how interesting or entertaining you find them, as well as more romantic responses?
20. Are you able to ask questions that get to a deeper level?

Vulnerability

21. Are you able to disclose personal information about yourself (appropriate to how well you know each other)?
22. Are you comfortable to receive personal information from them?
23. Are you at ease with expressing vulnerability (when you feel safe to do so) without shame, embarrassment, self-criticism or fear?
24. Are you comfortable to hear about another’s vulnerability without judgment?

Our emotional availability is something we can all reflect on, and develop strategies to improve on. We can also think about what is holding us back – have we become more cautious as a result of bad dating or relationship experiences, rejection, abandonment or neglect? Do we need to explore a more general fear of intimacy and commitment or find out more about our attachment styles? Or do we just need to refine our interpersonal skills or – just to complicate things with another term – emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence

Emotional availability and emotional intelligence overlap but they’re not the same thing. Emotional intelligence has been defined as:

“the capacity to reason about emotions, and of emotions to enhance thinking. It includes the ability to accurately perceive emotions, to access and generate emotions so as to assist thought, to understand emotions and emotional knowledge, and to reflectively regulate emotions so as to promote emotional and intellectual growth” (Mayer, Salovey, & Caruso, 2004, p. 197)

Emotional availability is about allowing ourselves to connect emotionally to others, and emotional intelligence about how we use emotions to connect. However, if you want to refine your emotional intelligence, many of the questions above for the seven elements will still be helpful. If you have not had good role models for emotional intelligence but have a secure attachment style, then you may just need more practice. The books below are recommended, especially Heller for attachments and Robson for interpersonal connections.

References and further reading

Goleman, D. (1996). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bantam Books. 

Heller, D. P. (2019). The power of attachment: How to create deep and lasting intimate relationships. Sounds True.

Mayer, J. D., Salovey, P., & Caruso, D. R. (2004). Emotional intelligence: Theory, findings, and implications. Psychological Inquiry, 15(3), 197–215.

Robson, D. (2024). The Laws of Connection: The Scientific Secrets of Building a Strong Social Network. Edinburgh: Simon and Schuster.

We can all reflect on our emotional availability and learn more about ourselves.