Sooner or later you’re going to mess up. It might happen on the second date, or the tenth date. And if you’re in a relationship, it probably happens at least once a day. Messiness, mistakes and misunderstandings are a natural part of all social interaction and being able to say sorry is an essential skill. What does the other person need from you on these occasions? How do you deal with your mistakes and how do you apologise?
What are your apology experiences?
Do any of these seem familiar, in past or present relationships, romantic and otherwise? Take some time to reflect, either on your own or with a partner:
- Were/are there endless arguments about whose fault it was?
- Does one of you apologise over and over with no effect?
- Does one of you bear a grudge for years after?
- Is there a lot of pain, hurt or anger?
- Do you become defensive or shut down?
- Do you feel very bad about yourself when you mess up?
- Do you find it impossible to admit to being wrong?
- Do you find it impossible to utter the S word at all? How do you make sense of that?
- Where do your apology habits come from – what role models did you have growing up?
- What would you like to change?
Whatever your baggage, it can help to keep in mind that you and your partner may have completely different needs and communication styles when it comes to apologies.
Take the quiz
Before you go any further, take the apology languages quiz and find out your own preferred types of apology. The five “apology languages” in the quiz were developed by Gary Chapman, who is the author of the famous five languages of love, and Jennifer Thomas.)
If you’re at the dating stage, you and your date could take the quiz before you next meet and bring along the results to discuss. Doing this before you need to apologise would be a great way to prepare for and minimise the effects of you messing up. (And don’t worry about your date messing up. Concentrate on your own mess and let your date worry about theirs!)
The five apology languages
Here’s a quick summary of the five types or languages of apology – you’ll recognise one or more as being what you like to hear – those are YOUR apology languages. But they may not be your partner’s. We tend to apologise to others in the way that we like – but you’ll need to understand your partner’s needs if you want to move forward after your messing-up incident.
Apology Language 1: Expressing Regret
You say: “I feel terrible and really wish I hadn’t hurt you.” Personally, I really like to hear this one! It shows empathy and an understanding of what you’ve put me through. If you look really sincere and serious and cry a little bit while you say it, even better. (What do I say in reply, though? Definitely not “It’s OK”, which is the typical English response. Probably “Thank you” and “OK”.)
Apology Language 2: Accepting Responsibility
You say: “I was wrong. I made a mistake.” Not many people say this straightaway. It’s easier to blame someone else or circumstances. It’s refreshing to hear and reminds me that you’re human. It’s the opposite of defensive, which is one of John Gottman’s four argument styles that research shows we should avoid.
Apology Language 3: Demonstrating Repentance
You say: “I’m going to make sure this never happens again. These are the strategies I’m going to use to make sure of that.” I like this. (And I’m resisting the temptation to pin up your strategies on the wall and grade you on them each week.) Coming up with the strategies can be a collaborative exercise, too.
Apology Language 4: Asking for Forgiveness
You say: “Will you forgive me?” Personally, I don’t like this one. It puts pressure on me to forgive you too early, and takes the focus off your responsibility while simultaneously making it about your needs. I can’t forgive you until I’m ready. And people are generally not that clear about what forgiving actually involves. A good definition from social psychology is:
willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, negative judgment, and indifferent behaviour toward one who unjustly injured us, while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity, and even love toward him or her[i]
But your partner may not have the same definition. It might be something interesting to discuss on an early date, before the need to apologise arises. Some cultures don’t have a concept of personal forgiveness, others don’t apologise (and others don’t say “please” or “thank you”). The word “sorry” doesn’t even exist in some languages, and cultures vary widely in how often they use the word. And in some cultures forgiveness is a legal transaction, a “pardon” whereby the victim makes a decision to let the perpetrator off their punishment. In this case, it’s possible that little emotional processing has taken place, which might be challenging for the forgiver to move on from. One of you may have a more relational-based concept of forgiveness than the other, expecting an emotional, romantic making-up experience! So don’t make assumptions about what the forgiveness or apology represents to them. (It’s well-known that the English apologise a lot, even when it’s not their fault, so keen are they to avoid giving offence.)
Apology Language 5: Making Restitution
You say: “I’ll make it up to you.” Maybe you can do something nice as well as offer some of the other apology lines above, but on its own this one may be heard as you not really getting (a) the enormity of what you’ve done or (b) the impossibility of finding something precious enough to be the equivalent to whatever it was that you lost out on (not turning up to watch you perform, forgetting your birthday, or whatever).
Meeting your partner’s emotional needs is the most important component of your apology
So, don’t avoid the S word but don’t use it carelessly. Discuss your apology styles and try to use the ones they find most satisfying. Ask your partner if what you’re saying is helping and what else you can do so that they feel heard, understood and supported. With incidents that are felt as significant emotional rifts or betrayals (called attachment wounds in attachment theory), we need to hear the apology a few times over a period of time – the pain won’t just go away straightaway.
And most importantly, in line with polyvagal theory, use a gentle tone of voice, smile and physical contact (if appropriate and with consent) to create emotional closeness before you start – then your apology is much more likely to be received generously and processed in the body as well as the mind, creating a long-lasting effect that will heal the rift.
As for receiving an apology, if your partner is trying hard to change and learning to apologise for the first time, try to accept whatever imperfect apology they offer at first. Improvements can be gradual! And saying “thank you” to an apology doesn’t have to mean you’re letting them off the hook. It can be just the first step towards reconnecting and finding solutions. It’s a dance in which they make the first move towards you, and you respond with a move towards them.
It’s not easy to change a dance you’ve been doing for many years. Be patient with each other and keep practising!
[i] p. 123, Enright, R. D. & the Human Development Study Group (1991). The moral development of forgiveness. In W. Kurtines & J. Gerwitz (Eds.), Handbook of moral behaviour and development (Vol. 1, pp. 123-152). Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Further reading
Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.
Gottman, J. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. Hachette UK.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201204/when-im-sorry-isnt-enough