1. You have value just as you are. Even if we say something less than perfect or slip up, people are much less affected by it than we think (Robson, 2024). You can tell yourself, “Making mistakes in conversations is ok. I still have something to contribute and I am still of value.”
2. We don’t need to control the conversation or avoid discomfort. Embrace the messiness and ambiguity of human interaction! People will still enjoy talking to us and like us, even if we’re a bit too much or not enough of whatever it is you think you’re doing.
3. People like us more than we think, according to research on the Liking Gap (Robson, 2024). We are much more critical of ourselves than others are of us!
4. Be kind to yourself. Being self-compassionate is the healthy path to being more relaxed in social interactions (Neff, 2011). Think of times when others have said something imperfect in a conversation and how you’ve responded. Most of the time, we’re very forgiving and even feel relived that others aren’t perfect! So try to be the same towards yourself. If you practise mindful self-compassion regularly, you’ll be able to develop a habit of a kinder way to relating to yourself.
5. Practise talking to strangers about simple things like asking for directions, comparing products when you’re both staring at the shelf in the supermarket, or asking for a recommendation for a local café or restaurant. Learn that most of these interactions go well without negative consequences – and they don’t have to be perfect!
6. Practise smiling when you talk. Research from neurobiology (Porges, 2022) shows that this will put the other person at ease (without them even being aware of it) and then they will help the conversation along more.
7. Prepare follow-up questions. For example, if someone comments at the bus stop that the bus is very late, don’t just agree – ask them how often they get that bus, if they live locally, what they think of the area.
8. Have a specific focus that is not about you. This could be aiming to find out as much as you can about the other person’s job, or interests, or goals. Or it could be to make the other person feel comfortable and happy.
9. Arrange active dates that are not just sitting opposite each other in a café, bar or restaurant. Go for a walk or to a gallery so you can talk about what you see and focus on learning new things, or play crazy golf or go climbing so you can have fun and laugh together.
10. Prepare some questions in advance. You can use my 150 dating questions (purchase them here for only £5) or the evidence-based 36 questions to fall in love. Remember the focus should be on finding out if the person is right for you, not on you making a good impression. Here are some more to use:
    • When was the last time you had a day out? What did you do? Where else would you like to go? What would be your ideal Saturday?
    • Do you like to socialise with a group of friends or do you prefer one to one? When did you last go to a party? Did you enjoy it? Have you ever thrown a party?
    • What’s the best thing about your job? If you could change careers and re-train, what would you do? What did you want to do for a job as a child?
    • Do you have any hobbies? Do you enjoy sports? Do you like reading? If you could go to a new class or join a club, what would it be?
11. Practise your answers to standard questions such as “What do you do for a job?” As well as the job title, you could say where you work, how long you’ve been working there, what you like about it, what your main tasks are. And if you’re unemployed, talk about what you’d like to do or what you enjoyed doing in the past.
12. Always ask the same question back. The fact that they’ve asked you means it’s the kind of thing they’re interested in. So follow-up questions would probably go down well too, such as “What do you like about your job?” or “What are the hours like?” or “Is there anything you’d like to change about your job?”
13. Provide reassurance by “oiling the wheels” to make a good conversation flow more. Try listening to other people talking and you’ll notice that when one is talking, the other will interject with “Mmmmm”, “Right”, “Yes”, “OK”, “Really?”, or “How interesting”, nodding, making eye contact, or laughing. This really helps the speaker to feel more relaxed, but can be hard to do if you’re anxious. You could try listening to the radio and do these along with the speaker, while looking in the mirror to make sure you’re smiling!
14. Make the other person feel like they’re the most important person in the world while you’re having a conversation with them.
    For people with social anxiety, precious mental resources are often used up on anxious thoughts during the conversation. It is very easy to have two conversations going on at once: one with the other person, and one in your head with yourself, which goes something like this: “This isn’t going very well. My date must think I’m an idiot!” or “I shouldn’t have said that. I’ve ruined the conversation now!” This uses up limited resources for holding a conversation which is very challenging (Butler, 2016). While it’s easier said than done, aim to stay focused on your date and them feeling comfortable, rather than on the impression you’re making.

Do something fun on a date to take the pressure off talking.

Further reading

Butler, G. (2016). Overcoming social anxiety and shyness: A self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques. Hachette UK.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. Hachette.

Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal theory: a science of safety. Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience, 16, 871227.

Robson, D. (2024).The Laws of Connection: The Scientific Secrets of Building a Strong Social Network. Simon and Schuster. [Robson talks about his own social anxiety in this book, which is very practical and evidence-based.]

How to create a connection on a date

Regulating your emotions

What stops you from dating? Applying polyvagal theory to dating

Video: Meditate before a date

Video: Affirmations for well-being and confidence

Video: Meditation to feel nurtured and loved

Video: Meditation for self-compassion and overwhelming emotions

This post was first published in 2017 and updated on 20/06/2025.