So you’ve been on a good first date! How do you decide whether to go on a second date?
It can be a good idea not to decide about this on the date itself, because we often feel differently about it later. Just because a date went well, it doesn’t mean the person is right for us. A wonderful dating experience may not be replicable! In fact, it’s quite common for one person to decide not to go ahead with a second date even though they were very positive on the date itself, as I explain in more detail in my most popular blog post. Take time to think about it over the next 24 hours.
First of all, go back to your checklist of what you are looking for in a relationship. (And if you don’t have one, make one!)
It might also be worth writing down what the ingredients of a good first date are for you. You might want to add some ideas from this post about connections on dates.
What information do you have that’s relevant to your criteria and what do you need to find out next time (if there is a next time)? Were there any red or green flags? What are three words you’d use to sum up the date? How warm, enjoyable, safe, stimulating was the date? You can also complete an entry in the dating diary if you’ve got one.
Take some time to reflect on how you felt throughout the date, emotionally and in your body. Did you feel more at ease as the date went on? Were there stages to the date, like a beginning, middle and end? How did you feel at each stage? What happened in each? Were any decisions made, such as where to sit, whether to move to another venue or when to say goodbye? How was the interaction between you for the conversations around these decisions? Did you feel respected, taken seriously, listened to, safe, treated with kindness? Was there equality between you in talking and listening? Were you both equally responsible for how the date went? Were you attuned and attentive to each other’s needs? Was there warmth?
What felt familiar? Were those moments of familiarity recognitions of healthy or unhealthy patterns? Were you adapting too much to the other person or taking too much responsibility for the date? Or were you too stuck in an old blueprint of how you think a first date should go to give them another chance? For example, some people think there should be an instant spark on a first date, but research does not support that as an indicator of future relationship success.
Then think about the content of the conversation. What did you discuss? What were some of the areas of overlap between you? How did you differ? Think about values, goals, lifestyle, communication style, emotional intelligence, challenges. How did you each deal with differences? Was there empathy and acceptance when it was needed?
Here are some more questions to ask yourself at this point and as you continue to date:
- Is this a healthy dynamic? Do you both feel safe? Is there honesty, reliability, openness, support?
- Do we want the same things from a relationship?
- Are we both in a place where we have the resources to form a relationship?
- Do you bring out the best in each other?
- Can you both be yourselves with each other?
- Do you respect each other?
- Do you communicate in between dates in a way that you are both comfortable with?
- Are you emotionally responsive to each other?
- Do you feel at ease with each other’s sense of humour?
- Would you both feel comfortable and proud introducing each other to your families or friends at the right time?
You won’t be able to answer these until you’ve had about three to thirty dates, so don’t write off a date too early! It takes time to get used to someone new and different, and you can learn a lot during that time for future dating even if it doesn’t work out. On the other hand, if there are red flags then it’s good to end things early rather than trying to change someone or make something work.
A more complete list that can be used a bit further along the dating journey can be found here.
Your decision-making process will change the more you date, too. At first, you’ll most likely go on more second dates. As you become more experienced, you’ll have a better idea of when it’s best to move on. Some people find it difficult to say no to a second date, and it’s worth exploring where this is coming from, such as discomfort with feeling like you’re rejecting someone or a desire to please or make others happy. Make sure you’re resourced before you make a decision, and be kind to yourself and the other person when ending things.