Conversations about finances are in some ways similar to conversations about sex. They can be difficult if those topics were considered taboo in your upbringing or culture, but they can also lead to deeper connections, wherever you are dating or in a relationship. We can be afraid to bring them up for fear of creating conflict or stress, or think that a happy relationship shouldn’t need to talk about practical issues like spending.
So how should you get started on a conversation about finances? Agree on a good time and place when you are both feeling relaxed and connected. All productive conversations are best started with appreciation, gentleness and curiosity.
Prepare by examining your motives, what you want from the conversation and what your emotions and beliefs are about the subject. If you have done some work beforehand, your contributions will be more regulated.
Remember that each person will have their own perspective and experiences. The first step is always to listen and try to understand what it is like to be them. Then you can have your turn. Treat the conversation as an exploration, not an opportunity to criticise or force the other person to do something.
How to get started on your conversation about money
You might begin with some more general question such as:
What do we want for our relationship? How do we express trust, commitment, responsibility, planning for the future, etc?
What are the principles we want to use when judging risk?
How do we integrate the personal with the practical?
How do we want to communicate about finances?
How do we want to make financial, practical and legal decisions in our relationship?
How do we want financial management to reflect our values and our love for/commitment to each other?
How do you define a successful financial future for us?
What were you taught about money growing up? What are the cultural norms about money that influence you?
What are your biggest hopes and fears around money?
What do we each contribute to the relationship, financially, emotionally, practically …? How do we value each of these? How do we deal with any inequalities?
What can we celebrate and what do we want to change?
These are challenging topics, so don’t try to resolve them all at once. Take time out to re-connect or self-soothe if things get uncomfortable, and be kind to each other and yourself. There aren’t always right answers, although it’s a good idea to get expert financial and legal advice on any financial commitments you’re making with each other.
If you are are dating, you can find more on cultural influences and implicit beliefs about money in Does it matter who pays on a date?