Bumble has officially ditched its signature requirement for straight women to message first and extended match time from 24 to 72 hours. While some speculate this signals a return to traditional gender roles, the shift actually reflects what online daters want most: equal effort, less dating app fatigue, and mutual interest from the start. Whether you are navigating these new Bumble updates or considering online dating for the first time, get some tips to take advantage of these changes and find meaningful connections.
Changing with the times: a smart move by Bumble
Straight women messaging first was a good selling point when Bumble started in 2014, positioning themselves as supporting women and protecting them from inappropriate messages. An OKCupid study from ten years ago also showed a conversation was more likely to lead to a date if the woman messaged first.
But now straight women don’t get so many messages from men they want to date as they did ten years ago, perhaps because they are more selective (for good reasons), because you now have to pay to get the most out of the apps, and because many men are feeling defeated by dating apps (Vogels & McClain, 2023).
It no longer makes sense to have different rules for different genders either. While same-sex daters have been able to message each other first on Bumble from the beginning, it can get complicated if you’re gender-neutral or bisexual. People are more fluid in their orientations too, so traditional gender differences are breaking down, with more people identifying as ‘mostly heterosexual’ (e.g., Waldersee, 2019). So it’s good that Bumble is responding to changing times and finding ways to improve their position in the market. Their own survey shows 66% of straight women don’t want to do all the work of starting the conversation – and that’s what many of my female straight clients say. And tests on straight Canadian Bumble users have shown higher chat initiation rates, fewer expired chats and more mutual conversations after the changes were introduced.
Extending the 24 hour period to 72 is also a good move which my clients will welcome, when people don’t want to check the apps every day and often want time to think about it before replying.
All genders want equal effort and interest
But let’s get away from the narrative that this is about a return to traditional dating, with different roles for men and women. People of all genders and all orientations tell me that they want the other person who put in as much work as they do to keep the conversation going on the app, arrange interesting dates, know what they’re looking for and show clear interest. Most straight women don’t want men to protect them, provide for them or make all the decisions, but they don’t want flaky, ambivalent or unreliable. But, neither do straight men!
So this isn’t a return to traditional dating. We often react against our last bad relationship – if someone was too controlling or too ambivalent, we may want the opposite next time. So if you last dated a person who didn’t put in the effort or was too compliant, you may look for something different in your next relationship.
People form hypotheses about why their dating isn’t working – and, perhaps influenced by social media, they might wonder if traditional is better. But really most people just want the other person to put in the same amount of effort. There is no evidence that traditional gender roles lead to more successful relationships.
Women may fear being misinterpreted if they initiate
There is also a fear among many of my straight female clients that men may judge them if they message first, that the men will think them too forward or that they are only after a hook-up. This could also explain why 66% of women want the man to initiate.
There are many cultural differences across the world, that might mean a woman messaging first could be exploited or compromise her safety (e.g., Rajan, 2026). We often make assumptions about what dating behaviours represent to different people, when we know little about their background. So it makes sense for women to be cautious.
It’s worth noting that the Bumble survey was conducted using 2,200 women on Bumble in the U.S. in August 2024 (Iovine, 2026). So, the trend may be different in the UK, where we are perhaps less influenced by traditional gender roles in dating. On the other hand, in populated cities where more dating takes place there is likely to be a greater diversity of cultural backgrounds, so caution might be sensible.
If you are a straight woman dating, consider whether you want to date men who have different cultural values from you about women. If you want a man who considers women to be equal and is truly a supporter of women’s rights, then you could treat how they respond to you initiating as a test! All of my male straight clients (who are from a wide range of cultural backgrounds) say they welcome the woman messaging first, and would be delighted to feel more confident that the woman is interested. Men are just as likely to feel vulnerable and insecure with dating as women, with fears that expressing interest might make the woman feel uncomfortable or harassed.
Why men struggle with opening messages on dating apps
In my coaching work, I find that many straight men – especially those who are neurodivergent – find it hard to think up interesting initial messages. This can be explained by the way men are socialised and often have less experience of meaningful, open communication than women. It’s not an intrinsic difference that we should just accept as being ‘just the way men are’. We all know of men who are emotionally intelligent and great at conversation (often they have lots of female relatives and friends, which probably gave them the experience). Men can be better at conversation in real life than in online messaging.
But it does mean that men may be more likely to use AI to craft those messages, and that leads to what we call an ‘expectancy violation’ (Finkel et al, 2012)– a gap between the person we built up in our mind and the actual person on a date, who isn’t so fluent or humorous as the AI messages. And that only leads to disappointment.
Initiation for men may be challenging for other reasons. Given that straight men often have negative experiences of dating (e.g., Vogels & McClain, 2023), they may be more vulnerable. Longitudinal research shows that use of dating apps may also “exacerbate existing difficulties with relationship initiation among vulnerable users by increasing their risk of burnout” (Sharabi et al., 2026).
I suggest to straight men that they prioritise socialising with women (book clubs, tennis, art classes, friendship events …) to get experience and feeling comfortable talking about personal things. And if they have female friends or family, talk to them about what kind of messages they might enjoy replying to. You can get some more tips from me on dating for straight men here.
Beliefs about men and women are often wrong
If we use social media, it’s easy to get influenced by a ‘them and us’ narrative – that all men are X, and all women are Y.
For example, men often think straight women want a muscly man but most don’t care. Actually, everyone wants similar things: physical appearance is important but so are empathy, kindness and shared ways of seeing the world (Kinsey Institute & Match, 2025).
Straight men often believe women are looking for high income, ambition, confidence and a conventionally attractive and fit body. However, in one survey of more than 6000 global participants with a range of orientations, 72% of women preferred their partner to put effort into planning a date than earn more than them and 84% would be more impressed when someone takes the time to plan a thoughtful date than when they spend a lot of money. Their top three traits were emotional availability, acknowledgement and respect for emotional needs and consistent communication (Hinge, 2025).
And research shows that gender differences in hypothetical partner preferences break down completely when people meet in real life: deal breakers can go out of the window (Eastwick & Finkel, 2008).
Even if research does show gender differences, it doesn’t tell us anything about a particular person. Trends are just trends. Men might on average be X, Y and Z – but a particular man could be A, B and Z; or X, B and C – and so on.
Let’s notice when a ‘them and us’ narrative is present in what we’re reading and watching – and ask ourselves: In whose interests is it to keep us suspicious and mistrustful of each other?
People are now meeting in real life
There has been a trend towards meeting people in real life in the last two years (Ipsos, 2025; YouGov, 2026), as Bumble has acknowledged in organising more in-person events. Meeting people in real life and friends first is healthier, and helps to break down those stereotypes and fears. We are more tolerant, generous and open minded when we meet in real life. Almost all of my clients don’t like using their phones too often and they don’t like people they might date using AI to message them. Meeting in real life is really the only way to avoid this. There are plenty of singles and friendship events to choose from these days – check out some on my page for ways to meet people in real life!
So how can I date better on Bumble or in real life?
Here are some of my top tips for getting the most from your dating life, whether on the apps or in real life:
- Don’t be afraid to make the first move, whatever your gender – you can ask a question or give a compliment (but not one that is about appearance – that’s considered too objectifying these days). If you’re dating on Bumble or Hinge, use one of the prompts to inspire your question.
- Forget about that instant “spark”: meeting in real life, being friends first and a gradual development of attraction does work. What you are attracted to initially is often not what makes a long-term relationship work, so think about what you actually need.
- Don’t compare yourself to others or worry about dating trends – everyone is different, don’t make assumptions just because someone is a man or a woman.
- If you want to inspire a conversation on a dating app, try some humorous questions like the ‘Would you rather …’ type, such as: Pets or children? Inside or outside? Too hot or too cold? Starter or dessert? Hotel or tent? TV or book? Or try some hypothetical first date choices: Hot air balloon or sailing boat? Origami or tennis lesson?
You can hear me talking to Anna Cookson about this on Radio Kent here (go to 11:15 am)
References and further reading
Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2008). Sex differences in mate preferences revisited: do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(2), 245-264.
Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online dating: a critical analysis from the perspective of psychological science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3-66.
Hinge (2025, September 24). Hinge Reveals The Most Desirable Partner of Cuffing Season is the Planner. Retrieved from https://hinge.co/newsroom/cuffing-season-2025
Iovine, A. (August 11, 2026). Why Bumble now allows men to message first. Mashable. https://mashable.com/life/why-bumble-now-allows-men-to-message-first
Ipsos (2025). Modern Masculinity – Dating. https://www.ipsos.com/sites/default/files/ct/news/documents/2025-05/Modern%20Masculinity_Dating%20Charts.pdf
Kinsey Institute, & Match (2025). Singles in America 2025: The great relationship reset. https://www.singlesinamerica.com
Rajan, B. (2026). Safe to ‘Make the First Move’? Exploring Experiences of Intrusion and Safety Work for Indian Women on Bumble (Doctoral dissertation, Queensland University of Technology).
Waldersee, V. (2019). 1 in 2 young people say they are not 100% heterosexual. YouGov, https://yougov.com/en-gb/articles/23882-one-five-young-people-identify-gay-lesbian-or-bise
Vogels, E. A., & McClain, C. (2023). Key findings about online dating in the US. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/
YouGov (2026). How Brits Meet Their Partners. Retrieved June 18, 2026. https://yougov.co.uk/topics/relationships/trackers/how-brits-meet-their-partners
https://help.hinge.co/hc/en-us/articles/360011090134-How-Do-I-Match-with-Someone-and-Start-Chatting
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvglzlj81x2o
https://mashable.com/life/men-will-be-able-to-message-first-on-bumble
https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/articles/bumble-made-drastic-change-men-152555196.html