So your relationship has ended, or your divorce is through, and you’re wondering if you’re ready for a relationship again. Maybe sometimes you feel you are, and other times not. That’s natural.
Let’s be honest, there are very few people who are 100% ready for a permanent relationship all of the time. We’re only human and no matter how perfect our date or partner, there may be a little voice in the back of our minds asking “Is there someone better for me?” or “What would it be like to be single again?”
There is probably no such thing as the perfect person for you out there. You’ll have to make trade-offs and there will be little parts of yourself that won’t get expressed with that person, just as there were in your previous relationships. So part of being ready for a relationship is being able to acknowledge that real relationships are messy and imperfect. And that means you don’t have to answer a resounding “Yes!” to the question “Are you 100% ready every minute of the day to embrace intimacy, commitment, couply shopping trips and in-laws?”
On many dating sites, you will be asked what you’re looking for. Do you tick fun, fling, friends, short-term relationships, long-term relationships, or all of them?
It’s important to take time to reflect on what you want, but it’s ok to tick more than one. Sometimes we meet someone and they might not be right for a long-term relationship but we would like to be friends. Or we may not know immediately if a relationship will work out – it may come to a natural end after a few weeks or months, but it doesn’t mean you weren’t open to long-term. Other people may be very focused on long-term and not want to waste time unless someone ticks all their boxes, and only tick long-term, and only date people who’ve done the same. What is difficult is dating someone who doesn’t really know what they want and hasn’t thought about it. So whatever you decide to tick, make sure you know why.
My date just told me he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Why couldn’t he have told me that at the beginning?!
We don’t always know until we’re in a relationship that we’re not ready. If your date has emerged from a long-term relationship in the last two years, it’s quite possible that they aren’t going to be ready. But there is still that longing for intimacy and warmth, and so we pursue relationships thinking we are ready. Don’t be too hard on them.
Sometimes it’s that you’re not right for that person, and so they say they don’t want a serious relationship, when really it just means they don’t want one with you. They may not even be able to admit it or explain it to themselves, if the reasons are nebulous, or sound trivial.
Often after about three months of dating, things come to an end, because you’ve got to that stage where you’ve found out things about each other that you couldn’t possibly have known any earlier. At three months, you may argue or have misunderstandings based on differences in values or assumptions. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not ready for a relationship just because you’ve had several of these short-term experiences – it could just be because you weren’t right for each other.
I know I’m not ready for a relationship, but if I tick short-term fun as a heterosexual woman am I going to attract all the wrong men? And if a heterosexual man ticks this, will he get any replies on dating apps?
Although these kind of stereotypical responses are prevalent, things are changing and the meaning behind “short-term fun” is less loaded than it was a few years ago. Gender differences are starting to reduce too. It is possible to have short-term meaningful, loving, intimate relationships, if both people are honest and clear about that from the beginning. Often an imbalance between the partners can develop, where one is slightly more emotionally involved than the other, or one is a little anxiously attached and the other avoidantly attached, but if you communicate you may be able to overcome this. For example, if your date is messaging you too often, why not just ask them not to? Perhaps say it makes you feel a little overwhelmed but it doesn’t mean you don’t care. Be clear about how much psychological space you need without sounding rejecting. You might want to explore your attachment styles together too, if you’re either being avoidant or getting too emotionally involved too fast.
Experiment with what you tick and see what happens. And whatever you tick, try to show in your profile that you’ll treat the other person well, and that you will want to go on dates and do things together. You’ll have to put in some effort however short-term it is, as you would with any friend.
I was married for 25 years. How long will it be before I’m ready for a relationship?
Many divorcees would suggest waiting until all the practical arrangements and stressful legal stuff have been sorted. And dating while you’re still living in the same home is problematic. The time taken to get over an ex varies, but it could take up to two years. You probably won’t know until you start, and you’ll need to be honest with your dates. Say it’s early days for you and that you’ll want to take it slow. You can read more about the grieving process when dating after divorce here.
I just want sex right now. I can’t handle any kind of involvement. Is this OK?
Only you can answer this. What do you mean by “OK” and by “involvement”? What are the upsides and downsides? How might you or others be affected? Are there good and bad ways to do this?
If you’re unsure whether it’s OK or not, you might want to ask yourself some of these questions:
Why do I feel the need to separate sex from emotion? Where is that coming from and what is influencing me in that desire? What are the consequences of this kind of dissociation? How will it contribute to my sexual, emotional and psychological development?
How vulnerable am I right now? Will how sexual intimacy without emotional involvement influence my vulnerability?
What are my current fears? What are my dreams and desires?
Is there a fear of getting involved with the wrong person and not being able to escape? Is there anything you could do to mitigate this risk?
Is there a fear that you won’t have the capacity for caring for another person’s happiness and well-being? How might that affect your sexual intimacy? Is there anything you could change to resource yourself and get more capacity?
What are the benefits and risks to you and the other person? How might it affect you in the short and long term?
In what ways will this help to prepare you for a relationship again in the future (if that’s what you might want)?
Is it just an illusion or fantasy that I CAN actually have sex without involving my emotions?
How can you ensure a sexual relationship is congruent with your values? For example, you might want to think about how to make it as healthy and respectful as possible.
After being in a long-term relationship, the idea of getting into another makes me feel trapped. Should I try polyamory?
Polyamory is only one of many types of open relationship, and most of them are not about just having sex without any involvement or commitment. (Can you reflect on your use of the word “trapped”?) They work best when there is good communication and secure attachment with self and any long-term committed partners. Trying it while you’re still processing the trauma of divorce or the ending of a long-term relationship probably isn’t the best time, but it might be a good time to research it and see if it’s where you are headed.
To find out more, you might want to read this article, this book or this podcast with Jaia Bristow or this one with Justin Lehmiller.
Remember, we are all imperfect human beings with different hang-ups about all kinds of relationships! Let’s be tolerant of each other and recognise that every relationship is unique, and can’t be put into a box or compared to previous relationships.
Resources
References
Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, trauma and consensual nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press LLC.
Heller, D. P. (2019). The power of attachment: How to create deep and lasting intimate relationships. Sounds True.
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