Updated September 2026.
So you’ve clinched it – you’ve got beyond the endless messaging to actually arranging a date! What should you do next? How do you prepare for that first date? I’ve got some tips for you …
Where are you going to have your date?
Many seasoned daters say meet for a coffee for the first date. Then it isn’t too expensive and you don’t waste a whole evening if things are going badly. This means it might be less romantic, but that’s no bad thing the first time. Creating an artificially romantic frame for a first date can encourage false and premature intimacy, emotional and even physical. Don’t focus on “Is there a spark?” at this point. That can take time to develop. Instead, focus on “Can I be myself with them?” and “Do I feel comfortable?” and “Do we have any shared perspectives, humour and values?”
How long should the date be?
Keep it short – if you both go away wanting more, that’s a really good thing. Many people have had very long first dates that have been amazing, but you need time alone to reflect, to go over what was discussed, what was left out that you need to find out about next time, were there any warning signs, how you feel now you’re away from them. You simply can’t do this when you’re together. If things are going really well your judgment will be flawed because your emotions (or the desire to keep the other person happy or the date going well) will be getting in the way. How you feel the next day is a much better measure than how you feel when you’re with your date. I would suggest one to two hours maximum.
What should I wear?
Smart but not too smart. One of my clients, Tom, suggests: “Don’t dress as if you’re going to the allotment. Show that you’ve made an effort – that shows you value your date.”
Consider checking everything is very clean, polished and ironed and fits properly. Perhaps ask a friend for their opinion?
Let your appearance on a date celebrate who you really are. Wear what you feel represents you best and allows you to feel comfortable! We all have the right to be ourselves and resist the pressures of current trends or traditional expectations. We can mix and match different looks and stay true to ourselves. If you feel good and can celebrate yourself, inside and out, you will give out a healthy vibe of self-acceptance on the date – and that is one of the most important ingredients for a healthy date.
Different styles of clothing represent different things to each person, depending on their culture, values, personality and identity. So it’s worth thinking about and maybe having a lighthearted conversation about when you meet. For example, I know of someone who loved to wear orange baggy trousers on a date as a way of expressing themselves, but they represented a lack of effort or respect to their partner. Maybe this is a sign of incompatibility, or maybe it’s something people can discuss from a place of curiosity and openness – it’s a good test on a date!
If you think it might be important to your date, you could ask on a date: “What kind of look do you like on your date?” or “Are there any no-nos in terms of what your date wears?” Then you can decide if their values are in line with yours – if they are very picky and you want to be accepted for who you are, you might decide not to meet after all!
Check out my blog post on Aromatic Dates to make sure you’re smelling your best, too.
Smiling is the most important thing to wear on a date
And don’t forget to wear a smile! This is very important for creating safety, warmth and connection with the other person. It provides reassurance that you want to be there and helps to calm their nervous system if they’re feeling anxious on the date. Smiling in response to what they say is also important for giving them positive feedback that what they are saying is funny, interesting or of value in some other way.
How much homework should I do about my date?
If you’ve met them online, it can be helpful to refresh your memory of their profile and prepare some questions from it. It shows that you’re really interested in them as an individual, and that they’re not just another date in a big long line of dates. Or if you’ve met in person, jot down some notes about what you already know about what’s important to them. If you decide to go somewhere to eat on your first date, do ask them what kind of food they like before suggesting somewhere. And if you want to go to a bar, find out if they drink or are comfortable with others drinking.
What are some good questions to ask on a first date?
Before you date, it’s a good idea to have thought about what kind of person you want to date/have a relationship with. Make a checklist of essential and desirable traits and collect evidence on each. This should help you generate questions. Use their dating profile too if you met online: What can you follow up on from their profile and find out more about? What is missing from their profile that you want to know?
To find out if you share values and experiences/backgrounds/perspectives, you might want to use my 150 dating questions – purchase them here. Or you can use the evidence-based fast friends procedure, better known as the 36 questions to fall in love. Try not to bombard them with too many – they don’t want to feel like they’re being interrogated! (If you think you might be asking too many questions, you can ask, “Are you feeling a bit interrogated?!” or “Do you have any questions for me?”)
Plan the questions to start at a more superficial level, and gradually move deeper if you feel it’s appropriate. (My questions are graded on three levels of depth.) And after answering, don’t forget to ask your date back the same question they ask you – it’s clearly something that’s important to them.
What are some common no-nos on first dates?
- Checking your phone during the date
- Not making eye contact (if you find this hard, explain this to your date so they know how to interpret it)
- Not responding verbally to what your date says (try to nod, smile and say “Mmm” and “OK” to show you’re listening)
- Arguing
- Being dismissive or contemptuous (about anyone)
- Talking about your children or pets for more than about two minutes, unless encouraged to do so!
- Talking about your ex
- Talking for more than one minute before swapping to the other person
- Telling bad date stories
- Being negative about yourself, others, relationships, life generally
- Talking about really personal stuff like medical conditions (save that for roughly a third date)
- Saying “Oh, you look shorter/older than in your pictures!” even if it’s true
Who should pay?
Going halves or paying for your own stuff is the best way to do things. Meeting for coffee makes this a lot easier. Straight men in particular have traditionally felt under pressure to pay on all their dates, and that’s expensive and not fair. They should feel no qualms about asking to go halves, especially if they’re not getting good vibes about it leading to another date. Just say confidently before ordering “Is it OK if we split the bill?” A common story is the straight woman ordering an expensive bottle of wine without discussing payment first. The woman should make it clear early on that she’s willing to go halves if there is going to be a big bill. The LGBTQ+ community seem to be better role models for equality in this area! But if you don’t want to end up forking out for a big bill, go to a coffee shop! You can read more about the ethics of paying on a date – and how it can lead to interesting conversations about values – in a separate blog post here.
How should I end the date?
It can feel good to be the one who ends the date. Then you feel more empowered and in control, appear to be confident about what you want and to have other things to do, and the other person is left wanting more (hopefully).
Don’t talk about whether you want to meet again at this point – it works better to both go and away and think about it for a few hours. If you’re pretty sure you don’t want to meet again, you could just say “It was good to meet you”. If you think you might be interested, you could say “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and I’ll be in touch”.
If there has been no physical contact, you could ask if they’d be comfortable with a kiss on the cheek or a quick hug. It’ll be clear if the other person is receptive to a kiss on the lips. Often people wait until a second or third date for this. Or you could explicitly ask with a smile “Do you think we’re at the hugging/kissing stage?!”
There may be cultural differences in whether someone will walk you to the train station, bus stop or car park when parting, so don’t make assumptions about what their behaviour might represent. If they offer to see you all the way home, you might want to say with a smile “I’d feel more comfortable saying goodbye here” or “I don’t usually tell people where I live until I know them better” to protect your privacy.
How soon do I communicate after the date?
It works well to wait for a few hours at the absolute minimum, even if you’re really keen. There is a very delicate balancing act here between showing you’re still interested and coming on too strong. Attachment theory shows that many of us have a tendency towards either becoming keen too quickly (an anxious attachment style) or backing off easily (an avoidant attachment style). For example, if you are one and your date is the other, responding too quickly may put the other off at this stage. Or if you are both have a tendency towards anxious attachment behaviour, you could end up getting too intense too fast. (Or course, if you’re both a bit avoidant, you might end up not meeting again even when you both liked each other!) Talking about attachment styles on dates is popular at the moment and some people even put it on their dating profiles. Since attachment behaviour isn’t fixed, it can be helpful to discuss your tendencies to work together to get that balance right. And even if you’re someone with a secure attachment style, it’s healthy to take your time to see how you feel a few hours later or the next day, to see if it lasts beyond the date and some time to reflect.
What do I say after the date?
If you’re interested in a second date, just say so in a message: “I really enjoyed our date and I’d love to see you again. Perhaps a walk or crazy golf/an exhibition/museum next time?” (Substitute whichever is appropriate for your particular date.) Aim to sound confident and intentional but not needy or demanding.
If you’re NOT interested, you could say something like: “I enjoyed meeting you but I’m afraid I don’t think you’re right for me/we’re right for each other. Wishing you all the best for your dating!” or “That was fun but I can’t see us in a relationship, I’m afraid”. Don’t be overly apologetic as that will be harder for them. And don’t ghost them – that’s cowardly. Treat them as a fellow human being.
If you get the thumbs down from your date, you may want to ask them for more feedback. It can be very useful if you are having trouble getting past the first date. Just ask: “For my own personal growth, I’d love to know if there was anything you think I should have done differently, or a bit more detail about exactly why you didn’t think I was right for you.” It’s risky for your self-esteem, but in the long run it might be useful to know whether there are things you can change, or whether they are always things out of your control.
Dates should be FUN!
Remember, the ideal is to enjoy not endure dates, but many don’t lead to a second date. If you expect that, rather than getting your hopes up, you can treat them as good dating practice and an enjoyable way to broaden your horizons by meeting new and different kinds of people. Try to learn something new on every date, whether it’s factual or personal.
You can read more about why you didn’t get a second date here.
Note:
This post was updated in September 2026. It may be especially useful for neurodivergent daters wanting to learn about the unwritten rules of dating, its norms, expectations and etiquette. There is a delicate balance between wanting to fit in with dating conventions and adapting too much to another person, so while it can be helpful to be informed by conventions, it doesn’t mean you have to follow them! Rachel encourages you to be yourself and communicate directly with your date about your differences and challenges. Don’t try and guess what your date is thinking: just ask!
Further reading
Rachel provides some tips for neurodivergent daters in this report:
References
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Heller, D. P. (2019). The power of attachment: How to create deep and lasting intimate relationships. Sounds True.
Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Víllora, B. (2020). Individual, interpersonal and relationship factors associated with ghosting intention and behaviors in adult relationships: Examining the associations over and above being a recipient of ghosting. Telematics and Informatics, 101513.
Porges, S. W. (2022). Polyvagal theory: A science of safety. Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience, 16, 871227.
Robson, D. (2024). The Laws of Connection: The Scientific Secrets of Building a Strong Social Network. Edinburgh: Simon and Schuster.
Rodriguez, L. M., Coy, A., & Hadden, B. W. (2021). The attachment dynamic: Dyadic patterns of anxiety and avoidance in relationship functioning. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(3), 971-994.
Rossignac-Milon, M., Bolger, N., Zee, K. S., Boothby, E. J., & Higgins, E. T. (2021). Merged minds: Generalized shared reality in dyadic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 120(4), 882.
Sprecher, S. (2021). Closeness and other affiliative outcomes generated from the Fast Friends procedure: A comparison with a small-talk task and unstructured self-disclosure and the moderating role of mode of communication. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(5), 1452-1471.
Tu, E., Maxwell, J. A., Kim, J. J., Peragine, D., Impett, E. A., & Muise, A. (2022). Is my attachment style showing? Perceptions of a date’s attachment anxiety and avoidance and dating interest during a speed-dating event. Journal of Research in Personality, 100, 104269.