This article was updated in April 2025.
Dating crime is still on the up. UK police figures between 2015 and 2018 include 2,029 recorded offences – including sexual offences – involving an online dating website or app. In 2015, 329 offences were recorded, compared to 658 recorded offences in 2018.
Other articles describe how the information you provide on a dating site can be used to trace you back to your workplace or home address. This can be done by piecing together disparate comments you make in messages online as well as your dating profile and social media profiles. This could lead to identity fraud or being stalked.
Learn to spot the warning signs early on before deciding whether to arrange a date, and take precautions while on the date.
If you haven’t already read my blog post on dating scammers, that’s a good place to start to make sure (1) you’re protecting yourself against identity fraud, and (2) how to spot warning signs in profiles and messages of daters who have ulterior motives.
Be picky about who you date
Only arrange dates with people after talking enough to establish they have specifics in common with you, such as favourite films, books, etc that they can talk about. Make sure the conversation is a healthy one, with them showing an interest in the specifics of your profile and treating you with respect. Ideally I would chat on the phone or Skype too before the date, and if you feel at all uneasy, don’t arrange a date. Having a friend or a dating coach to check the messages objectively can help too.
Look for warning skills in your date’s conversation
When you are on the date, you could ask to see their social media or photos of their family and friends to see if they seem to have healthy relationships. If they can’t tell you anything about themselves, such as information about their employment or education, what they’ve been doing the last few weekends or when they last saw their family, those could be warning signs. Lack of eye contact, empathy or lack of emotion could also be possible red flags. Ask yourself: Are they showing sufficient interest in you as an individual? (Of course, many of these features could be explained by neurodivergence or poor health – no “tests” are 100% reliable. You will need to use your judgment about the combination of concerns and what you have the capacity for in a date or relationship.)
Beware of love bombing
However, many men (and some women) are very good at “love bombing” (another good article on it here). This is a strategy to influence another person by giving them a lot of intense attention and talking about emotions very early on. On a first date, this might involve romantic language, staring into your eyes, physical contact, talking as if you’re the most wonderful person they have ever met, how they’ve never felt like this before, they’ve never felt this strong a connection, and so on. Then being in constant contact by phone after the first date is a way of keeping you emotionally close. It can be used as a way to move to sexual intimacy very early on. A common line is “I don’t usually do this on a first date” or “I’ve never felt like this before”. This may then involve sexual violence or abuse. Compliments may be a form of manipulation (whether conscious or unconscious). Expect to be treated with respect and say if you feel uncomfortable. If they minimise or dismiss your discomfort, that is a red flag. If your date suggests intimacy very early on and you turn it down, they should accept that and not try to persuade you. If they do, that is also a red flag.
Don’t visit each other’s homes after a first date
Inviting someone back to your place or going to theirs after a first date involves a lot of risks. You don’t know them very well, and it’s easy for someone to put on a show of being romantic, attentive, kind and genuine for a short time. After a few dates, you will have a better idea of whether they lose their temper easily, are consistent and reliable, and know what kind of relationship skills and history they have. This will help reduce the risk of becoming a victim of a dating crime.
Your date may make excuses like “My phone is dead – can I charge it or phone for a taxi from your place?” Offer to phone for the taxi for them, but not at your place. Don’t be embarrassed about saying “I don’t know you well enough to invite you in – I’m sure you understand” or “My policy is not to invite people into my home until I know them well” or just “I don’t feel comfortable with that”. There’s no need to make up complicated excuses – keep it simple and tell the truth. If you’re a woman, you are especially entitled to be cautious.
Essentials for a first date
- Have a coffee date for the first date, in the day. Keep it short.
- Make sure you don’t leave your drink unattended. Take it with you if you go to the loo.
- Tell the bar or restaurant staff that you’re on a first date so they can keep a watch on you.
- Don’t drink too much. Your judgment will become flawed. Don’t drink before the date.
- Have a Date Protection Officer! This is a friend or family member who knows:
- where you are
- the name, photo and phone number of your date
- the time you are meeting.
Arrange to check in with them after say two hours, when you are leaving and when you get home. If they don’t hear from you, your Date Protection Officer should phone the bar, visit it themselves or phone the police. Put an alarm on your phone to remind you to check in. It can be good to have TWO Date Protection Officers sometimes in case one of them has an early night or so they can liaise in the event of a problem. Tell your date that you have a Date Protection Officer and that you’re going to check in with them.
- Treat yourself with respect and you are more likely to be treated that way back. If you’re not comfortable with physical contact or kissing, say so politely with a smile and stick to it. No means no. Don’t allow yourself to be worn down by persuasion. Most people prefer to wait until a second or third date for physical contact. A kiss on the cheek and a quick hug are fine for a first date. You can still be warm and friendly towards them without getting too intimate. It might be helpful to say “I don’t kiss on a first date, but that doesn’t mean I’m not interested in seeing you again.”
- If you feel uncomfortable with their behaviour towards you on the date, bring the date to an end and get a cab. If necessary, tell the bar staff and ask for help. The police have an initiative called Ask for Angela. It’s a code for “get me out of here”. Staff can call a taxi for you; contact your friends or family; or request that an individual causing the distress leaves the venue. Ask at the bar before your date or arrange your own code with staff. Choose places for dates where you know there can be this arrangement already.
- Make sure they don’t follow you home. Travel safely. Get a cab if it’s late. Have a personal alarm.
- If you DO decide to visit their home or invite them back, inform your Date Protection Officer and arrange more check-ins. Use protection. Don’t take any drugs. Keep your purse and keys hidden.
Finally, reflect on whether you are a person who tends towards too much or too little trust in others. How are you responding to this post? Is it confirming your worst fears or are you thinking “This isn’t the world I live in?” Most people are trustworthy and genuine and if you have good judgment and well-being and a support system of friends and family, you won’t get to the point of going on dates with untrustworthy people. If you tend to attract unhealthy dates, you may benefit from therapy or coaching to explore what else may be going on – it could be linked to trauma, attachment experiences or re-enacting something that is familiar but traumatic and unresolved from your past.