If you’re thinking about whether to end your relationship, there are many factors to consider. This article suggests a number of questions to ask yourself to help make the best decision.

First, think about what has instigated you to consider the future of your relationship. Was there a big change or a significant event that caused you to see things differently? For example, after a holiday, many people think about breaking up with their partner. Holidays are in some ways unnatural, because we are spending lots more time together than usual. We – or family members – can have unrealistic expectations about wanting the perfect holiday or we may find the lack of structure and deadlines hard to adjust to. Or we can spend all our time focusing on others’ needs and not our own.

Bereavement is another trigger for reassessing your relationship: we may want to prioritise differently or have different life goals, or think life is too short to be unhappy any longer. Or perhaps one of you had a career change, you moved house or your caring responsibilities changed.

So the next question might be: Is your current perception of your relationship an accurate one? And how can you assess the situation clearly, to make your decision-making as good as it can be (although it’s worth noting that no decision is going to be 100% clear-cut – there will be trade-offs)?

One way is to take some time to reflect and keep records over the next couple of months to get a better overview. Here are some ideas for what to record.

1. First, do you (or your children if you have them) feel physically and emotionally safe? Is there enough predictability, consistency, trust, transparency, reliability, warmth, reassurance and connection? Do you change your behaviour because you are frightened of your partner’s reaction? Is your partner jealous or possessive? Do you feel controlled, or isolated? If you don’t feel safe or are in danger, get immediate help from the National Domestic Abuse Helpline or if it feels non-urgent, you could get help from Relate.
2. Alternatively, are you having strong emotions like anger, violent impulses or suicidal thoughts? Is your partner (or children if you have them) in danger from you? Again, get immediate help – click on these links and don’t struggle alone.
3. What are your emotions towards your partner each day? What do you feel – respect, gratitude, fondness, love, disgust, scorn, anger, frustration, irritability, repulsion, fear? Or are you completely numb? What about more general emotions towards life – contentment, excitement, depression, sadness, loneliness, tearfulness, anti-sociableness, fear about the future? Are there contributing factors such as work, your living environment, or caring responsibilities?
4. Are you being the best version of yourself each day, and if not, what is stopping you – is it your partner, or other issues? Are you able to make a positive contribution to society and treat your family and friends well, or is the relationship so dysfunctional that you are having a negative effect on others? Sometimes we are so worried about hurting our partner by breaking up we don’t consider the effects a bad relationship is having on everyone else.
5. Record practical issues such as how much time you spend together, whether the chores are shared, what time you go to bed, whether you go to bed at the same time.
6. Record any physical symptoms you are having, such as stress, anxiety or depression related ones. These can include stomach pain or upset, headaches, nausea, chest pains or palpitations (visit a doctor soon for these to rule out more serious causes), sleeplessness, lack of concentration, tension, fast breathing. By keeping a record, you can see if some weeks are worse than others and whether that is more due to hormones, workload or caring responsibilities rather than your partner. If you think you may be suffering from stress, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, etc, get information and help here and visit your GP. You could also explore through counselling what might be causing your symptoms, whether it’s your relationship or other issues, and by trying to reduce your symptoms you might find your relationship improves. Mindfulness and other forms of self-care might also useful for allowing your body to communicate with you.
7. Record how often you have any kind of sexual intimacy and whether you felt closer to your partner during and after. Don’t just count full sex here: include kissing and cuddling too.
8. If you are a member of a minority group, such as the LGBTQIA+ community, an ethnic minority (or in a cross-cultural couple), or displaced persons, you may be underestimating the effect of isolation, social disapproval, and lack of support on your relationship and mental health. Seek specialist help from people who understand.
9. What is the quality of your communication? Include interesting topics of conversation and arguments. Were the arguments about trivial things, or do they reveal insurmountable differences in values? (Although it’s worth noting that research shows that 69% of conflicts never get resolved, but with help you can learn to live with them and handle them differently.) Are you able to talk about your feelings and be honest? Can you debate without getting angry or irritated with each other? Can you respect each other’s point of view, even if you disagree? Do you really listen to what each other is saying? Do you ever change your mind and concede they are right? (Read here for practical suggestions for communicating in a more positive way.)
10. How do you treat each other? Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, backed up by many years of research on married couples over time, finds that there are four warning signs that predict marriages are likely to break down. Ask yourself if you could improve in any of these. Otherwise, getting out of the relationship might not be the solution – you will be the same next time. Don’t worry about the other person yet, just focus on what you can do to improve things first:
    • Do you treat your partner with contempt, rolling your eyes or laughing at their contributions to discussions?
    • Do you criticise them for who they are rather than their behaviour?
    • Do you become defensive when they criticise you, rather than being humble enough to want to improve?
    • Do you stonewall, walking away from arguments or sulking, rather than addressing the issues?

Of course, when a relationship is breaking down, these things are more likely to happen. But when it’s a case of you being unsure about whether the relationship is right for you, it might be good to reflect on whether either of these are true: that you could tweak your patterns of interaction or whether you need an in-depth period of exploration and growth about those patterns.

Once you’ve fully dissected your own argument style, you can think about your partner’s argument style. If you think either of you are displaying any of the four behaviours above, you could try counselling (e.g. with Relate) or some of the Gottman resources or blog posts. Sometimes relationship coaching is better if you don’t want to go into too much depth about your relationship but just need some practical support on how to talk to each other better. (Read here to explore the difference between coaching and therapry for couples.) The Gottman research shows that changing your conflict style together really does make a difference to a relationship.

Now for some reflections on the quality and meaning of your relationship and the possible future paths you could take:

1. Think carefully about your core values and long-term life goals, as well as your relationship goals. To what extent does your relationship truly reflect and support those important aspects of your life? Can you openly discuss these fundamental points with your partner? Remember, these values and goals can change over time, so don’t assume that you both want the same things as you did when you initially got together. Relationships grow and evolve, so it’s vital to revisit these discussions periodically to ensure you are still aligned.
2. What are the current costs and benefits? Can you quantify them?
3. How might things change in the next few years (for example, if your children leave home or other caring responsibilities change)? What do you want for those future stages of your life and relationship(s)?
4. Are you affected by alternatives, such as living alone or meeting someone else? If so, how is this influencing you?
5. How do you assess the level of emotional, financial and organisational/practical investment and dependency in the relationship? How might this affect your decision?
6. What role does commitment play in your values and also in your internalised values from your upbringing or communities? How do you balance commitment with, say, happiness, safety, human flourishing and growth?
7. How are you feeling about the connections with other family members? What would be the consequences for them of staying together or breaking up?
8. What support would you need during a break-up or when getting help with your relationship?
9. What are some of your fears about the alternative paths you could take? Can you speak supportively to each one? Are there other ways to see them?
10. What inner resources do you have for the journey? What could you develop or enhance in preparation?

Consider keeping records for a few months. It’s possible that hormonal changes (including menopause) might affect some women’s perception of their relationships, and so might being ill (for all genders) and grief/loss/stress/moving home/changing job/other change of circumstance, so be aware of fluctuations, and don’t make big decisions on the spur of the moment.

If your records seem to be pointing towards the need to break up, you then need to think about managing the break-up and about practical considerations, including financial and legal. Relate have plenty of resources, and a list of helplines is available here.

You will also experience a myriad of emotions and agonising thought processes while trying to make the decision. You may be afraid of being alone, concerned about the impact on other family members, reluctant to hurt your partner, sad that the relationship is ending. There are different ways to end a relationship, some better than others. A good book to read to help with this is Breaking up without breaking down, published by Relate.

Further reading

Breaking up without breaking down

Gottman, J. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. Hachette UK.

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

Getting help

National Domestic Abuse Helpline

Help with anger and violent impulses

Help for suicidal thoughts

Relate

More helplines for break-ups

Couples counselling

Join the waitlist for couples coaching with Rachel

References

Fox, J. (2015). Models of relationship development. The International Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Communication, 1-9.

Joel, S. (2020). Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 117 (32), 19061-19071.

Kelley, H. H. & Thibaut, J. W. (1978). Interpersonal relations: A theory of interdependence. New York: Wiley.

Rusbult, C. E., & Bunk, B. P. (1993). Commitment Processes in Close Relationships: An Interdependence Analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10, 175-204.

Post updated 18/06/2025.