Gary is a heterosexual man who came to see me recently. He found dating really hard work last year, and told me: “I spend hours on dating sites but rarely get a date, let alone a second date.” He asked me, “What am I doing wrong?” Here are some suggestions I gave him, that have been effective with a number of my heterosexual male clients.
1. Get better profile pictures
So many men have poor quality photos on dating sites and apps. Heterosexual women won’t even look at these profiles. You need high resolution pictures, without animals, football fields, beer glasses, other women or your mates. Look slightly mysterious – don’t grin inanely. Look classy – don’t wear your football shirt and iron your clothes. Clear up the mess – the eyes of potential dates will be drawn to the dirty cup or clutter. Only have one photo with sunglasses. Get some professional photos done if you don’t have a friend with a decent camera, but have them in a variety of settings that reflect your interests and values. Don’t use selfies – the quality of the front-facing camera is much lower and distort, with less depth and making certain features more prominent.
2. Stop chasing after women who are out of your league
Research shows that many heterosexual men want to date women younger than them. They may be stuck in their attraction blueprints from many years ago. However, there are lots of attractive heterosexual women of all ages. Do you want to change your blueprint? Research shows that browsing a wider range of dating profiles, and chatting online with a wider range of women may help to shift it.
You might also ask yourself whether there is anything you need to do to increase the chances of the women you want to date being attracted to you. Attraction is made up of several ingredients – it’s not just physical. Do you want to change anything physically, such as improving fitness, losing weight, buying some new clothes? Or do you want to work on your psychological well-being or interpersonal skills?
And how you feel about yourself will affect your attraction experiences. (One study shows that you can improve your body image by being an allotment gardener – and that might be a good place to meet people!)
Ask yourself whether you want to spend all your time on an impossible fantasy, which may mean you miss out on a proper relationship with someone who will get your cultural references and has a similar level of emotional baggage to you. (Read more about getting dates with attractive people here.)
3. Learn how to make women feel good on a date.
Once you get a date, you don’t want to mess it up. Give compliments, listen more than talk, show empathy, create warmth (see here for tips), don’t argue, show respect, smile, ask her deep questions and plan follow-up questions. See here for how to buy a list of good dating questions.
4. Take more care over your personal grooming.
Make sure you smell good and look good. Make an effort. Iron your shirt. Brush your teeth. See here for more ideas.
5. Learn to talk about your emotions and needs.
Dates may involve a different type of conversation from the kind you have with your friends. You need to make sure your date experiences it as romantic so you don’t get friend-zoned. Talk about relationships, love, emotions, your vulnerabilities, and ASK about theirs even more. Don’t talk for one than one minute at a time. If your date asks you a question, ask it back once you’ve given a short answer. See here for ideas about how to create that emotional openness on a date.
All of the above take time to get right, and Gary has been working hard. Healthy, enjoyable dating involves self-discipline and motivation!
References
Eastwick, P. W., Joel, S., Carswell, K. L., Molden, D. C., Finkel, E. J., & Blozis, S. A. (2023). Predicting romantic interest during early relationship development: A preregistered investigation using machine learning. European Journal of Personality, 37(3), 276-312.
Eastwick, P. W., Luchies, L. B., Finkel, E. J., & Hunt, L. L. (2014). The predictive validity of ideal partner preferences: a review and meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 140(3), 623.
Fletcher, G. J., Simpson, J. A., Thomas, G., & Giles, L. (1999). Ideals in intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(1), 72.
Lippa, R. A. (2007). The preferred traits of mates in a cross-national study of heterosexual and homosexual men and women: An examination of biological and cultural influences. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36, 193–208.
Robson, D. (2024). The Laws of Connection: The Scientific Secrets of Building a Strong Social Network. Edinburgh: Simon and Schuster.
Sprecher, S., Treger, S., Wondra, J. D., Hilaire, N., & Wallpe, K. (2013). Taking turns: Reciprocal self-disclosure promotes liking in initial interactions. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 49, 860–866.
Störmer, V. S., & Alvarez, G. A. (2016). Attention Alters Perceived Attractiveness. Psychological Science, 27(4), 563-571.
Swami, V. (2021). Attraction explained: The science of how we form relationships. Routledge.
Swami, V. (2020). Body image benefits of allotment gardening. Ecopsychology, 12, 19-23.
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